Wednesday, June 3, 2015

I Am a Delicate and Graceful Swan.

So I had this idea to lose weight.

I decided to join a gym, and I'm currently on a three-day trial with a local fitness place that has machines, a small track, a pool, and group fitness classes. I realized I could fit a lunch-hour yoga in, as long as I stayed an hour or so later than normal at work when I came back.

This seemed like an exciting prospect! I enjoy yoga a lot, although I've taken maybe one class before in my life and have heavily relied on Youtube videos and a cell phone app I have.

Today, I packed up and left work, went in, changed into the closest thing I have to "yoga" clothes - ie, a tank top and some dark gray cotton pants. I went into the studio a few minutes before the class to let the instructor know I was new.

I settled myself in between two older men, figuring I wouldn't be out of place doing a little bit less of the poses, since it'd been so long and I lost what little flexibility I had after Audra showed up. I tried hard not to notice that I was the least fit woman in the room.

I noticed that I was the least fit woman in the room, and also the only woman not wearing skintight pants.

My legs suddenly felt voluminous, like giant elephant trunks next to all these whippet-thin calf muscles around me.

I comforted myself with the reality that if I had to, I could probably kick someone in the face better than them.

You know. If I had to.

Still, I was a little bit crippled by nervousness. What if people turned their nose up at my pose attempts? What if they considered me the Yoga Hobo, in my slightly baggy, non-thematic clothing and old Walmart yoga mat? What if I made a fool of myself because I couldn't lean over, or stretch out, or whatever I was called upon to do?

I took a deep breath, and I started the class.

About halfway through, I fell over on an old man. All those other worries just melted away.

That's right.

I fell on my first day in class, and I nearly took an old guy out with me.

I had to balance in a very certain way with my hand on the inside of where my foot was, one leg bent under and pushing forward, the other stretched out behind me. I could tell as my weight came down on my hand that I hadn't balanced right. I just couldn't tell quite in time to stop myself. I had that moment of horrified wobbling, when you try so hard to catch yourself, and you almost do, and then...

Then I fell on an old man.

Well, sort of. I didn't actually fall on him.

 I fell onto his mat and he moved back in time and I just sort of stumbled into the space where he would have been.

So that was nice. That was a super nice way to begin my new life as a Person Who Goes to Yoga. I'm officially the Girl Who Fell On an Old Man.

I apologized in mortified whispers, and he said it was okay, and then I apologized in mortified whispers some more. We all went back to posing, and I spent the rest of the class trying hard not to think about how I nearly fell on an old man. It... kind of ruins the "peaceful breathing and serenity" thing.

Maybe if I try super hard and believe in myself, I'll fall on the instructor next week.


  1. If it helps, I kicked my Power Dance instructor. We were doing kicks, and I was really into it and feeling like Xena, and didn't realize he was walking around the room... he forgave me, but I was so embarrassed.

    1. It does help. I'm actually SO GLAD to hear stories of other people accidentally conceivably injuring people during fitness classes, haha


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