Wednesday, February 4, 2015

I Want My Hair Back


My hair is falling out.

Sort of.

Postpartum hair loss waited until juuuuuust before we hit the five-months-later mark. It waited until I was pretty sure it wasn't going to happen, that I'd just keep this hair and whatever, hair is hair. I'm a tomboy, I don't care about my hair, right?

Well, turns out I start caring deeply when it's falling out of my head.

For the past month or so, it just shows up places - on combs, hairbrushes, on the back of my shirt, in my hand when I rake my fingers through to get it out of my eyes. I've become protective, not entirely willing to get the trim I need for this haircut to maintain its shape, because I don't want to lose strands of hair that I still have. So the lower part of my hair has begun to curl outward in weird ways as it dries. The part down the middle-ish of my head seems to grow a bit wider every day. I have nightmares about my grandfather's very bald head.

I find myself wanting to take up wearing hats.

I wouldn't look any better in hats.

I do not have a hat face.

In other exciting postpartum news, the baby has decided her wakeup time is sometime between 4 AM and 4:30 every day. She's awake, cheerful and playful, for about forty five minutes, then passes back out so we have to wake her up to get up for daycare later. She seems to time it to be awake for exactly long enough that I can't make it back to sleep for any length of time before the alarm goes off. So that's fun.

I mean, it actually kind of is fun because it's that much more time I can spend playing with her, talking to her, cuddling on the couch, and all those things I pretty much live for right now.

She also spit up on my sweater this morning, but waited until I was carrying her into daycare to do so. Because my baby's got her some impeccable timing.

In her defense, she spit up on her own sweater, too.

I'm not making parenthood sound like a barrel of laughs, am I? Balding, cold arms at work because my sweater's in a ball in the passenger side seat, up at ridiculous times in the morning every day...

If it helps, I also laugh a lot more.

All that cuddling in the morning is probably really good for my blood pressure, too.

And I got to create a little person who comes out more and more as each day goes by, and there's no way to describe how that feels unless you're talking to another parent. There is a fascination in watching this tiny bundle of sleep and cry and eat turn into a human being, to see little hands that could only barely, instinctively, grip my pinkie turn into waving fingers purposefully grabbing at interesting colors or shapes or textures. To see what changes in her each week, sometimes each day. All of that is pretty cool, and it makes up for everything, for every single  moment when all I want is a nap, please God let me nap.

She may not let me nap, but she'll smile at me, and that's just as good.

I kind of want my hair back, though.

2 comments:

  1. the hair loss is the worrrrrrrst, I didn't notice it when I had my first because I cut all my hair off really short about a week before giving birth so when it happened with my second and I was pulling out massive chunks of long hair I was like WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS. I ended up with legit bald patches on either side of my bangs, it was horrifying.

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    Replies
    1. Mine mooooostly comes out in the shower, but I keep finding strands all over the place and I just want to sit down and cry. I can't be bald, I have the lumpiest head!

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