Wednesday, November 12, 2014

It Was Totally Fine.

Last night, Audra Grace did her first night in the crib in her room all by herself.

Now, we hadn't exactly planned it this way; originally, before she actually made her appearance we were sure we'd start putting her in her room at night by eight weeks. Once she appeared, I turned into a surprising Attachment Mommy and while we didn't exactly co-sleep, she stayed in our room with us and I stopped being willing to put any real date on when she'd move on out.

In her twenties, maybe. Once I feel like she's safe.

The thing about babies, though, is that they make their own choices; we had two nights in a row where Jason got very little sleep because Audra snuffled and grunted and snorted and mumbled her way through the night. She only woke up once or twice, but her sleep was anything but restful.

Now me, my body has figured out an amazing ability to sleep through anything that isn't her actually making noises of distress, because I am not going to lose those precious six hours a night I am averaging right now. Granted, that's one four-hour bloc and one two-hour... but it's still six, gosh darn it, and I love it. Sometimes on Sundays I get two three and a half hour blocs of sleep. On those Sundays I rejoice.

In any case, this means she's woken Jason up more than she has me, and it was just becoming something we couldn't keep up. So we decided yesterday, we'll put the baby monitor together and we'll put her in her crib.

At which point we discovered, at 8 p.m. last night, that the baby monitor has to charge for fifteen hours.

We looked at each other. We discussed (of course, by 'discussed', I mean Jason was logical and I was emotional and somewhere in the middle we figured out a emogical solution) what to do. We'd be doing the whole night without a baby monitor, if he tried it tonight. Jason left it open for me to keep her in the room one more night. I waffled back and forth, not wanting him to lose sleep again.

"Well, we got along somehow before baby monitors," I said. "Then again, until about a hundred years ago everybody mostly slept in the same room unless they were Rockefellers."

Okay, I didn't say it that cleverly. But that's mostly what I said!

So... we decided to try it. I've done my research. I know that baby monitors do not, statistically, actually make babies any safer. But there's always that one person who says, If it weren't for the monitor and so what if I end up that person? Only without said monitor? She's only three and a half months old. That doesn't seem old enough to be put in charge of her own sleep, does it? To be in a room by herself?

Still, I told myself. Still.

If we laid her down on her back like they say, it would be fine. I told myself it would be fine. I hugged and held her and she fell asleep on my chest and then I went in and laid her down.

She did not like this idea. Oh, not at all. She fussed and made either sad or annoyed sounds - it's hard to tell with her, they sound exactly the same - and I sat on the couch and cried for sixteen minutes.

Like a baby.

Or, I guess, like a mommy who didn't know she wasn't ready for this until she finally decided to try it.

I know it was sixteen minutes, by the way, because I counted each and every single one. She never cried. If she had cried, we had an agreement we would go in there and get here and hold her and then we would try again. She just fussed and muttered and was kind of displeased with the situation. For sixteen minutes.

After sixteen minutes she was actually starting to sound a little worked up, so I went in and got her and held her and she fell asleep again in less than thirty seconds.

This time, when we laid her down, she stayed asleep. Jason and I went to bed, and I cried in bed for like twenty minutes because the silence was both wonderful and something I was grateful for... and also terrifying and kind of shameful because I was grateful for it, but what if it wasn't good silence but bad silence and oh god and it just goes on like that for a while... and he kept offering to bring her back in, and I kept saying no because I'm going to have to do this eventually.

She woke us up at 2:30. She was just fussbucketing again; not crying, just making herself known. I think my feet were on the floor before I was fully awake and I went to her room and she was absolutely, one hundred percent totally fine.

She ate a few ounces and dropped back off to sleep and back into the crib she went. No fussing, just right into contented sleep.

I laid awake for about an hour afterward, and then I managed to fall asleep, too.

She was fine when I got up for the day at 5:30. Ready to be awake and start her day and completely fine.

Completely fine.

So I'm fine!

It was fine!

Everything is fine!

Except here's the thing, you guys.

I have to do this again tonight.


  1. This is a heart wrenching little mini drama, but I'm so proud of you for getting through it. Like all tiny hurdles in motherhood, the fact that it's hard probably just proves that you're both loving and rational. :)

    1. Ooooh let's not overstate ourselves. There's no rationality here ;)


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