Tuesday, July 1, 2014

He Wears His Sunglasses at Night

So, on Monday I had a doctor's appointment.

I have them all the time now! It's so exciting! Except that it's not. On the other hand, it does route me right past Starbucks every two weeks, and I can't really argue with that.

I decided, this time, to run into Earth Fare to grab a couple of groceries and then head on home. Earth Fare is a store Jason and I used to shop at all the time when we lived over on that side of town, and losing convenient access to it is one of my regrets of moving over here. Ah, well; I don't have to drive a full hour to work like I was until we moved. It evens out.

In any case, I went in to grab a few things, came out, loaded them in my car. I had parked about three spots down from the cart corral, so I turn and start heading that way to put my cart in. There were literally no cars in this part of the parking lot except for mine. There were at least thirteen empty spots in a row. This is important.

As I'm walking, a gigantic black SUV rounds the corner of the parking aisle like he was in a Fast & Furious movie and tries to essentially throw itself headlong just as quickly... into the parking spot I'm currently pushing my cart through.

He slams on his brakes about ten-ish feet from me, having to brake so hard the car rocked a couple of times on its frame. He waves his hand at me.

Then he claps.

You know the clap I mean. It's the fake-clap you do to applaud someone who does something awful in traffic, the one where you know you're being a snot, but that guy almost rear-ended you/ran a red light/hit a parade of schoolchildren on the Fourth of July and you want him to know you know it?

This man had decided, after speeding through a parking lot, swerving around a corner, and nearly hitting a heavily pregnant woman pushing a shopping cart across thirteen empty spaces, that it was my fault he almost hit me.

And he did the fake-clap.

I push my cart into the corral and head back for my car. The guy steps down from his car (yes, I took some perverse pleasure in the fact that he was definitely at least two inches shorter than me, even if he had thirty years on me and his car costs four times what mine did), looks right at me, and says, in this four-year-old-denied-candy-voice, "I saw you, you know."

You'll be glad to hear I did not punch him in the face.

Although, I think I can safely say the cops would have let me walk free even if I had after hearing a voice that snotty coming from what you might mistake for a grown man until he opened his mouth.

"Odd that you didn't think to pull into the spots I wasn't in," I replied, in my absolute mildest Midwestern passive-aggressive voice.  They train us to use it from infancy.

I have a black belt in passive-aggression.

He stared at me for a long moment - or so I assume, as he was wearing sunglasses and he could have been staring at a pigeon behind me for all I know - and then gave the loudest and heaviest and martyr-iest of sighs and stomped away.

I watched him huff his way across the parking lot... into Earth Fare.

The organic hippie natural foods store.

I looked back at the gas-guzzler he was driving.

Then I got in my car and I ate the damn muffin I had come for in the first place.


  1. UGHHHHH. I wouldn't have had to guts to make the snarky comment you did, just would have stewed in silent rage.

    1. Man, pregnancy has completely removed my usual filter. Normally I do just stew silently, but apparently "growing a person" also means "turning into kind of a witch."

  2. That passive thing...that's an element of the Midwestern culture in which I was somehow not properly indoctrinated. Something kind of like this happened to me about 6 years ago (minus the pregnancy, which only makes me look more excitable) and as I breezed by this guy, I said to him "If a stranger like me knows you're an asshole, I feel really bad for your family."

    You probably made 10 times more impact with your polite, searing incisiveness. Well done.

    1. I think your comeback was better, haha. I just default to Passive-Aggressive until I get reeeeeeally pushed, haha.


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