Saturday, November 16, 2013

Thought Heard Said Read, Vol. 2

(The first Thought Heard Said Read is here and is also funny, and you should go read that one, too)

"You know what? Country music in no way prepares people to accept that sometimes relationships can just end."

As soon as I saw my son's friend's dad, my arms began to rise like a hungry zombie, “We are going to hug you, Semi-familiar-Dude-in-the-grocery-store!”, and my brain was like, “WHAT IS HAPPENING?!”. So my arms were indicating they wanted a hug but my face was implying that a hug was a really bad idea.

"Ugh, why won't this stupid truck just drive FIFTY-SEVEN MILES AN HOUR LIKE EVERYONE ELSE?!"
"Well, what's the speed limit on this road?"
- We drive past a sign clearly marking the speed limit at 45-
"... Ignore that. That's a typo."

I bet it would be really fun to own a herd of goats for like thirty minutes. I wonder if you can rent goats. Would you rent them by the hour or the day? Oh man, I am never going to ask someone if you can rent goats by the hour. I think if you ask questions like that someone calls the cops.

"So when I got stuck behind this black Escalade..."
"Did we already talk about this?"
"No, I'm pretty sure I'd blocked out the memory until now."

 "We had a woman come in at like 9:15 the other morning? It's the first time I've seen someone that early in months. I think she was a little disturbed by how surprised I was."

I have listened to nothing but James Bond theme songs for five days. 

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