Sunday, July 21, 2013

I Stood Up By Myself Today


We take our victories where we find them.

I was sent home from the hospital Friday instead of having to stay overnight, which had been the original plan. I would have been excited about this, but the remaining anesthesia did not allow me to feel emotions for a couple of hours after we got home.

I had two small cans of ginger ale, a metric ton of water, and two sips of soup, but I couldn't seem to actually want any food so we rapidly gave up on that idea. I mostly slept, woke up to take more medication, and slept some more.

I ate a normal amount of food yesterday, which we are considering a good thing. When I felt actual hungry last night, I was vaguely surprised by it.

Jason has had to help me stand nearly every time; he made a comment early on about how he knew it wasn't in our vows exactly (we wrote our own), that this is pretty much the definition of "in sickness and in health". He's so supportive that I feel like I need to apologize for how much I need him right now, but then he tells me not to and that's what he's here for, and then I apologize for apologizing, and it's just a cycle.

It's humiliating to be a grown woman who cannot stand up on her own, but that is starting to come back, slowly. I can shuffle around the house now, bent over like an elderly Russian grandmother, to open the fridge and squint at milk and make myself endless cups of tea.

Friday night, my mother called and we talked for a little bit. My throat still hurt from intubation, and it's sort off and on but starting to feel better now. I am a swollen little ball of person, though. That... apparently takes a few days to go away.


 Yesterday I had a pretty steady stream of activity for a while; my mother-in-law came bearing delicious muffins from the Swamp Rabbit Cafe & Grocery for us, and our friends Cory and Lauren came over with a Chai latte that may have been the most delicious thing in the entire world. I am debating sending Jason out to get me one this morning, but I'm not sure if that's just ridiculous or not.

We also received the above flowers from our friends Sarah and Josh. Sarah is on top of sending me flowers when stuff like this happens, let me tell you internet.

I thought I would shuffle over here long enough to tell everyone I am mostly conscious, and I'm home, and I love ginger ale. There is something deeply, endlessly comforting about ginger ale when one is not feeling well.

And also chai.

Ooh, and muffins.

The people who love me are the best, and I am very lucky to have every single one of them.

I am luckiest to have the husband who helps me stand and has been sleeping on the other couch the last two nights so that he's right with me if I need anything, the kind of husband who passes out when needles go into me, the man who asks me every twenty minutes if I need anything and who keeps telling me not to overdo, not to push myself too hard, because he knows that if he doesn't I will grit my teeth and pretend I don't need help, that I won't take as much medication as I should, that if left to myself I will make it worse in an insane attempt to pretend doing so will make me better faster.


This morning, I watched the sun come up through the blinds while he napped next to me and listened to him breathe. The moment I so much as shifted position, he came out of a deep sleep instantly and asked if I needed anything.

In sickness and in health, indeed.

2 comments:

  1. God dang, this is some inspirational shit.

    It's inevitable that at some point in life, you're going to be stuck feeling like a pain in a loved one's ass, but few things illustrate the depth of love between people like the knowledge, deep down, that your loved one doesn't resent you for being a pain in their ass. Or even find you, subjectively, to be an actual pain in the ass at all. I'd bet your husband relishes the chance to take care of you. Fuuuuuuuuuu I'm gonna cry. Love is beautiful.

    Also: feel better.

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  2. Aw, thanks. I can get up by myself about half the time now, so I'm calling that progress, haha.

    He's pretty much in his element, yeah; he's a big caretaker on a usual day, and while being essentially helpless is making me mad, he's gone somewhat above and beyond (the man even went to Starbucks FOR me even though he hates the fancy coffee drink places; yes, I did send him for chai) and is just... partnership defined. If one half of the partnership can't hold themselves up, the other half takes up the slack. It's... sappy and teary and wonderful.

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