Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Don't Carry It All

I know, I know, it's been something like six days since I last updated. That is quite some time for me to go without updating when I'm right here at home, with no good reason not to update.

Well, I haven't had much to say, is all.

Life goes as it goes, in fits and starts, here and there. I'm a little discouraged and frustrated at where I am right now- not location, but rather what I've accomplished or what I haven't. I'm about to turn 25, and I had all these grand plans for where I would be and what I would be doing at 25.

So many of them come to nothing. Some of that is through no fault of my own, and some of it is my fault. It is due to my lack of motivation, my willingness to exist in certain areas I am not necessarily okay with staying in just because it's more comfortable or easier than taking a risk.

I go over and over my decisions in my mind, the ones so far back I can't change a moment, those I wouldn't change even if I could, and those I wish I had.

I'm going to turn 25 in less than a month.

I'm not where I thought I would be. This was the year I had planned to start having children, and I can basically guarantee on several levels that that's not going to happen. I had ideas for what my career would be, and I can't say I even have a career... just a job. A paycheck.

There's nothing wrong with having a job as opposed to a career, really. I just... kind of wanted a career.

But then, I have to stop myself from wallowing in all this melancholy and tell myself that what's more important is what I do have, those things that make it all worth every second.

1. I have a family that is endlessly supportive, and endlessly plain-spoken. Both at the same time. And I can't even vocalize how wonderful it is to know there are people who have your back no matter what, but who will nonetheless let you know that this isn't a good idea... but it doesn't mean they won't be behind you every silly step of the way.

2. Jason. I never could have planned to meet someone as perfect for me as he is.

3. My brilliant singing questioning princess-dress wearing mud-puddle jumping niece. I see her grow in photos and videos my sister sends to us through e-mail, and it reminds me how much of life should be pure joy at the fact that we are living.

4. Books. A world with no books would be so very, very grey.

5. An occasionally surreal bond with basically all cats who get anywhere near me. Even those cats deemed shy or hostile tend to let me pet them the first time, and come to me to get petted after that. Really, I could just type 'cats' in here, or 'animals'. Or 'pets'. Small dependent creatures with heartbeats.

6. An apartment we can afford, jobs that make enough money for us to go on vacation and put some away in savings, a car that keeps running, central air conditioning and central heating, living in a city with shops and gas stations and an economy right down the road from us.

7. In-laws who are endless wells of support, conversation and southern food. Have I discussed the lima beans and banana pudding and gravy these people make? Have I? I might need to, if I haven't. There's a whole education in cooking down here.

So there you have it, the stream-of-consciousness ramblings of my quarter-life crisis... at least part of them. Some of them. You really don't want to hear all of them.

At least food for this week promises to be incredible... last night was Cod with Cornbread Crumbles (originally cornbread-fried-cod 'til I realized too late that Rachael Ray has no idea how to fry things and I trusted her recipe and not my instincts) and a red-cabbage-and-carrot salad/slaw thing with lemon vinaigrette. Today's lunch was spicy roasted chickpeas with leftover red cabbage slaw, tonight is Chicago-style hot dogs (I'm feeling very northern today)... and tomorrow I'm testing out my ability to make a pimiento-cheese-sauce to top chicken and broccoli with, as per  the Southern Living 1,001 Ways to Cook Southern: The Ultimate Treasury of Southern Classics I received as a Christmas present (I am feeling very southern lately, too... maybe that's why I've been staring pretty hard at hush puppies recipes)...

It's that kind of week.

I apologize for almost a week of silence. I've been trying to figure out how to word an entry if I did talk about what I'm thinking right now, or if I should just not talk about it at all. I suppose you know what I decided on, if you read all the way to this point.

My new camera, my birthday present from Jason, should come in a few days! We got it on sale. Once it's here, I can start showering you with photos again!

Won't you just be thrilled.

I know I am.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, dear Sister, there aren't many of us who are where we'd thought we'd be. I'm definitely not where I thought I'd be at 30 - but like you, I choose to focus on the wonderfully unexpected things about the road life has taken me on, my fantastic husband and daughter and the amazing family that we are blessed with. Don't dwell on the negative - just keep living and things will come together.

    I am incredibly thrilled about the camera - I miss your pictures so much! And your blog posts, so no more week-long hiatuses, deal?

    Lastly, I know I wouldn't like all of your recipes, but I sure do like hearing about them. You are such a creative cook! Just don't let Rachael steer you wrong ever again - I learned a couple years ago that she gives good ideas, but I sure have to adapt a lot of her recipes!

    Enjoy your fantastic food! I love Chicago-style hot dogs!

    Love you!,
    Christina

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